Faith & Roses

Sometimes, reflection and introspection feel like “work.” Prayer seems difficult … draining. I have an old tape that can play at any time: “Why do I have to work so hard on myself? Other people don’t do any work on themselves! And they benefit from all my hard work!” [kindly hold your laughter!]

Many mornings I awaken with lots of things on my mind and in my heart. For decades, I “came to” in the mornings, and my head was a storm. Crowded with voices and thoughts, all fighting against one another. That went on for a long time even after I got clean. It takes time to heal. To get better.

I have chosen a Spiritual journey. Once I got a taste of the spiritual life, I began to want it. (Thank you NA). My worst day clean is better than my best day using drugs. That the truth. No matter how I may come up short or step away from what’s true for me, Spirituality keeps me in position to receive the (next) “do over” grace of my Higher Power.

I have been empowered by my God in the midst of my weaknesses to live “above the battleground.” (ACIM). Covid. Isolation. Loneliness. Doubt. Fear. Finances. Caregiving. Parenting. Medical concerns. Health insurance. Race riots. Shootings. Trash everywhere. Sitting on a computer with others in recovery in virtual meetings for a year and a half. Children struggling. People getting sick and dying all over the place. Heck! All over the world! Lots of uncertainty. Yet when my eyes are opened in the morning, my answer remains “Yes.”

Random, closing thoughts on being a parent to three adults:
I don’t need to be right.
I don’t need to be understood.
I don’t need to force my wants on anyone for any reason. (TY Paula!)
I have always given my 100%. Those days when I had only 13% or 72%… it was all I had, so it was my 100%. I am not a defective anomaly who has permanently screwed up her “heirs.”

My Higher Power tells me to humble myself always, and it will exalt me when and where it will mean something.