Faith & Roses

This is the Just For Today* reading:

“The Value of the Past”*
Most of us come into the program with some serious regrets. We had never finished high school, or we had missed going to college. We had destroyed friendships or marriages. We had lost jobs. And we knew that we couldn’t change any of it. We may have thought that we’d always be regretful and simply have to find a way to live with our regrets.”
*NA daily meditations

I can remember folks reassuring me that the destruction of my active addiction would not be wasted. It would be used by a “Higher Power” to help others. To even possibly save a life. And I also remember the anger and pain I felt at that… the rage, at times … to think, “That’s some real shit!” Back then, it just sealed the deal that I was a loser! What good would that do me!!?? If, in fact, it ever happened that I saved someone’s life!!?? I destroyed MINE! What do I give a rat’s ass about saving someone pain???

Slowly, very, very slowly, I have been recovering. Recovering and discovering. Every time I strayed I was brought back to a Path. Never left or forsaken. It’s been a struggle and very hard work. I’d like to think it didn’t have to be this way for me, or why did it have to be this way for me? Why couldn’t I have lost a little less? Was I stupid? Absolutely not. Was I ignorant? Yes, at times I was definitely lacking information. Was I lazy? Sometimes, yes. Was I given the tools as a child growing into adulthood; did my predecessors lead by example and share successful strategies? At times, yes. They certainly get an A+ for love and effort. They gave what they had.

There is work I need to do. And I will continue to pray for the willingness and power to do it. In this moment, I thank my Higher Power for my journey. And I understand that ‘freedom ain’t free.’ (Col. Walter Hitchcock)