Faith & Roses

Hello March! The sun streaming in my kitchen window is fierce. The warmth I feel is a beautiful thing. Thinking about how I get to help some women in Recovery…it’s a real privilege, and I have been developing patience with them as with Self in the process. I can move away from frustration towards compassion and understanding. I watch them choose to stay stuck in useless behaviors, and I see myself in their struggles. It reminds me of the unconditional love I have been given over the years through some very special women. These women seeking my experience, strength and hope inspire me to do and be my best.

Things in my Spirit have been healthier with Mom. Oh, I still fall short. I yelled at her on the phone last night and I’ve yelled at her the last two visits we had. I get convicted (almost) immediately. I watch myself acting like a fool. As if yelling will somehow increase her ability to understand. It’s shameful and most definitely self-centered. Since putting Ring cameras on each floor of Mom’s house, I’ve gained a wider understanding of just how difficult it is for her to do the simplest of tasks. Dressing in the morning; putting shoes on; making her bed. I am also seeing the reality of her entire days being spent sitting and watching TV. Is that really all that’s left? It appears all she is willing to do. She will not go outside just to sit and get some fresh air. She will not use a wheelchair or walker to allow herself more mobility. I am practicing refraining from analyzing Mom’s life. I’m not qualified on any level. And I believe it would yield no good fruit at all.

I have recently become aware of my responses when people ask me how Mom is doing. I start off talking about how I’m doing. I did it yesterday on the phone with Alfred. I “dug myself” right away and shifted my mindset. Mom is a person. She is a child of the most High God. She is not an extension of me. Mom has stand-alone rights. The past is gone and the future is completely inaccessible to both of us. It is my assignment to SERVE. Not lead. SERVE.