Faith & Roses

Man, it is not easy living alone. I am alone… in only my own company, the majority of each day. It’s been years. And I am okay. Higher Power has provided for all of my needs. It’s just not for the faint of heart. Texting isn’t company. Saying hello to strangers; stopping to say ‘hello’ to dogs; seeing people and being outside walking… enjoyable and edifying, however not companionship.

Most of my life I could not imagine myself without a partner. And yet I don’t yearn for one. In a way it’s strange. Like two opposite sides of the same coin. And while I am far from the only person to be living alone, I am one of the only people in my circle. Honestly most of the relationships around me I would not want. That’s real. I see how some folks treat one another. How they are always waiting in a long line in the ECD (emotional complaint department). Engaging in power struggles they aren’t even aware of. Subconsciously (and consciously) trying to change their partner. Some seem joyless. [Oh, I can relate. I have lived through relationships that while lovely on some levels have taught me what doesn’t work on many more. And that, of course, includes my behaviors.]

Upside: I no longer feel sorry for myself. I’m no longer having crippling anxiety. I am not afraid at all… I do not feel unsafe. I sleep well. I enjoy cooking and cleaning for myself. Doing laundry for one. Hanging pictures or moving furniture no longer requiring a consultation. I can and do play my music at the volume of my choice. At times I project and see myself leaving ‘outta here’ single. And I ask what that means… then the same thought comes: it’s just not that deep Dar.

I have been surprised by God’s moves more times than I can count. Is that hope? Don’t know. Having hope is scary… for pride and fear of disappointment. Will hope of a partner jeopardize the acceptance and freedom I have gained around my present life? Those were hard-won and to be treasured. So I continue to move through my moments. Often, I prefer to be home. That’s strangely fine with me. I want to be there for me. I want to be compassionate towards myself. Good to myself.

There have been many priceless gifts and growth during the past years of being on my own. I have been changed in all ways for the better. I see the necessary influx of beauty and peace that are direct byproducts of my ‘single’ life. I chose this, against my will and it has been one of the rare spot on alignments of my will and the will of the God of my understanding I have ever experienced. At the close of most days, I believe It has been well worth any struggles.

“Your biggest achievement is winning those silent battles which no one knows about.”