Faith & Roses

I have been reminded [often] lately that I need help. Help only a Power greater than myself can provide. When I resist asking; when I choose to ruminate, and go on and on about what I see or what I think I see–what I think I know or don’t know–no goodness can get through. There I am, dead center in the middle of the highway. These swirls of human thought and emotion threaten to swallow me up. Completely. I am torn between surrender and acceptance of the things I can and cannot change. It’s all around Mom and being her caregiver.

I go to the past and the future. I ask so many questions of myself and I don’t have any answers. Caught in negativity towards my role as caregiver. It pains me to acknowledge it…not wanting to go to Mom’s; fixated on Monday and taking her to the cardiologist [the inconvenience and pointlessness of it]. Frustrated at Mom refusing the food that I prepare. Man, it feels pretty horrible. I feel the squeeze of self-obsession–it’s all about me–and it becomes kind of hard to breathe.

Counting out the time I’ve been caring for Mom and yelling it out loud to my Higher Power as if It wasn’t aware that it’s been three years and some months since I stopped working. It feels like taking care of Mom is all I do. I don’t want this assignment any longer. I am weary of seeing aides at Mom’s every time I go there. Can I continue as her ‘chief cook and bottle washer’? This all feels so misanthropic. I am cutting myself off from hope, faith, trust.

I think I did some breathing [?]… I am not sure. I was so out of the moment that I simply cannot remember. I must have said “Help me” at some point… I can’t recall that either. Something shifted and I found myself in present moments sitting at my computer. Released from the darkness, cleaning up emails. I stood up, gathered my things and headed over to Mom’s. And while I understand that I have not seen the last of these places, it was somewhat easier to breathe on the way there.

Mom and I sat for hours watching Gone With the Wind…plenty of moments of surrender. I remembered that the sun rose today and the earth is still revolving. I remembered that my Higher Power remains more qualified than I to steer this ship. I remembered that time continues to move on. I remembered that Mom and I, and everyone else, will leave ‘here’ when the ordained time comes…

I remembered that my freedom lies in what I choose and refuse.