Faith & Roses

I spent the day (a good one) with Mom yesterday. Watching her nod on and off. I meditated on Marjorie’s words, “Mom is living between two worlds.” And I had a peace inside that felt new. It felt strong. I saw it for myself. I was able, in that moment, to accept it as reality.

As a child I somehow saw truth and reality as my enemies. At times reality seemed too painful for this kid to bear. Truth and reality seemed so confusing… constantly changing. I equated love with chaos. Inseparable, like a package deal. Without resources to ease my thoughts or feelings, the stage was set to self-medicate when the opportunity presented itself. I did not set out to self-medicate for decades nor did I set out to become an addict. I never chose or decided to forego so many beautiful experiences in my life as a result of using. I lost control and became powerless. There are some genetics in all of this; I believe this not because I am a doctor but rather that there were so many of ‘us’ self-medicating, some unto death. I was spared, finding Recovery. The only one who got and stayed clean.

I did not plan to write what is on the page. These thoughts just came to me, and here they are. Here I am. I have found that it is perfectly okay not to have answers. Freedom is not dependent on answers or reasonings. It has taken me a long time (in human years) to get here. To appreciate the gift of Recovery; the Twelve Steps; the Fellowship; all of it. To ‘accept the things I cannot change.’ To live in reality. To separate love from chaos. To appreciate who I am and lose fears of the unknown. To be physically alone and yet feel a Presence in moments of selflessness and unconditional love. Who knew, who could have guessed, that having no place left to go would take me ‘home.’

“Spirituality is a relationship with reality. As we develop our spiritual lives, we find that reality becomes less frightening and less rigid. We learn to live with our freedom. We come to see that a change in our perspective can totally shift the way we understand our situation. When our lives are based in spirituality, our perceptions and responses are based in an ever-evolving relationship to something greater than ourselves. Self-obsession gives way to humility. We understand that we are not the main character in every play, but that our supporting efforts can make a real difference in the lives of those around us.”
Living Clean – The Journey Continues (Narcotics Anonymous)