Faith & Roses

Mom was kind of heavy on my yesterday. The feelings of “not doing enough” for her came on me. As we say nowadays “I’m her person.” And it sometimes feels like a heavy weight. Mom depends on me for almost everything these days. My Higher Power graciously gives me the strength I need to help and serve. And yet I cannot be two places at the same time, and saying “Yes” to me feels like I am saying “No” to Mom. It’s an emotional lose-lose.

Mom is very isolated these days and spending the time with her feels very isolating for me. And I focus on what little there is for us to “do” together. Maybe it’s just about the fellowship we can still share. That’s her greatest need. In this moment I am emotionally exhausted with my caregiver role. I don’t want to go to Mom’s. And I am pulled by my feelings for and thoughts of her all the time. I guess this is how it is for caregivers. The tension of doing what we can and the feelings it not being “right” or “good enough.”

Here’s a “hit”: … I get out of bed. I sit quietly with my coffee. Asking, begging for help. It comes to me – What is compassion? What is empathy? What is sympathy: I don’t know exactly why. I get the dictionary. I get my journal. I open the dictionary randomly intending to look up ‘compassion’ and it’s the exact freaking page! I pick up my journal and write the date and realize it’s the anniversary of dad’s death. It starts there. Remembering all Mom did for him for 5 grueling years. Remembering what I was empowered to do despite being caught up in active addiction. And I make a decision to turn away from the road of reviewing my epic failures as a daughter, mother, sister…. As a human being.

I pause… go to the bathroom and pick up the Just For Today (NA daily meditations) and today is “Self-pity or Recovery?” I smile and shake my head. Now I KNOW that God is in my house. And I become so grateful. Actually can feel my Higher Power’s love and presence. This has been along reflection. Time so stop.

‘More will be revealed’ as we say in NA. And it’s not so much what’s revealed, but that it is revealed. Because I pray for ‘sight’ and I am given it. I pray for understanding, and I work toward that end. I pray for wisdom … most often the wisdom to ‘know the difference.’ And I am graced mercifully with what I need to know and precisely how much of what I need to know that I am able handle.

And so it goes. Just for today.