Faith & Roses

Brief musing: Fantasy: living in the past’s first cousin. Another way to medicate my feelings.

I filled in for Mom’s aid yesterday. I am always appreciative of what these aids do. It was “okay,” and I did what I needed to do. Mom is failing more. Sleeping a lot – quietly tapping out on and off. She’s real tired, and her mind is cloudy. She absolutely cannot be on her own. Again, “in and out of two worlds,” as Marjory so rightly pointed out.

This journey is hers and I can only keep her company. We are down to that being her greatest need. Medications, doctor’s visits, micro-managing meals…these things are no longer what is most important to keep Mom as well as possible. I am learning to do things compassionately while taking care of myself, which I must do. This is painful for me. I spend lots of time in the shelter of automatic pilot. Shelters…yes, I do have shelters: an NA meeting; talking to my Sponsor; prayer and quiet; reading what feeds my spirit; reading all sorts of stories and books; walking; re-watching Curb Your Enthusiasm (a real happy place for me). Smiling. When I stop and intentionally smile, at nothing in particular — just smile because I can — some weight gets lifted. It’s wild.

Writing. Always writing. Understanding, to the degree that I am able, all of the unconditional love Mom has given me, and knowing that the spiritual principle of keeping what we have by giving it away rings true. I am returning to Mom what she gave to me.

Therapy. Medication. Yes, medication. For ill or good, staying in motion physically, at times to the point of collapse. I will take whatever shelter I can get, and it depends on the moment — not the day any longer — the moment.

I pray to continue to remain in position to finish this course. To run this race with endurance trusting my Higher Power that the prize is peace.