Faith & Roses

My mind nas been thinking of the times when I was traveling along my spiritual journey … immature in the ways of gratitude and humility. When I fell short of the mark of unconditional love and respect that Mom so freely gave to me, and which she deserved to have reciprocated.

In the past four years, in particular, I have fought my way through my defects and shortcomings of character, through the unparalleled help of Narcotics Anonymous. The principles that are taught through our Steps are non-negotiable. They require me to be “all in.” I was shown and asked to choose the “high road” over and over and over again. There are no “buts” in the Steps or principles. They ask of me to release the words “but”, “always”, “never”, “could”, and “should” from my vocabulary of the Spirit and soul. NA gave me all of the room I needed and all of the “do-over” opportunities to know better and do better in my relationships with God, Self and others.

The people in NA… the fellowship … continually guided me, and reminded me and strengthened and encouraged me to stay the course. And slowly yet surely I grew in love and respect for my Mom. Slowly and surely I recognized my selfishness of the present moments and my ignorance in the past. Chief among these members are Barbara H., Paula B., and Marc W. Folks with malice-free hearts and genuine concern borne from their experience, strength and hope. Sarah D., who first told me that HP gave me the “assignment” to walk alongside of Mom. The NA members who met and meet in Groups… in person and in cyberspace … who listened over and over and over again and always reminded me to “keep coming back.” The women I sponsor who required my unselfish attention and their genuine concern to help me keep what I have by giving it away to them. Recovering addicts too many to name whose first words, as we broke from our hug, were always “how’s Mom?”

Through my ride-or-die lifelong friends … The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse: Robbie W., Linda G., Alfred and Pizzo … they listened when I needed to be heard. And they shared their experience and their love and fondness for Mom. Always. A moment to acknowledge Dr. Levitt. She may have received payment, but her skills at turning on the lights and showing me paths to walk were never diminished.

Mom had a friend in Frank. Her wisdom in navigating her own role in our parting was exemplary. And she never waivered in her “junkyard dog” protection of me … her daughter. Douglas’s regular, she-could-count-on check in phone calls gave her opportunity to feel joy and when she felt joy she always shared it with me.

Forgive me, Higher Power, if I leave anyone out as I choose to wrap up today’s personal daily meditation … And I end with the three Greatest Human Beings I know, in chronological order: Casey-Lee, Anthony Michael and Francesco. I could not have had purer hearts to lay my burdens down with. Each devoted to both Mom and me. Each bringing their own brand of Grand mom, or “G-Mom”, love to her table and mine. And a final, special well-deserved shout-out to Mom’s Main Man: Francesco. He was Mom’s and my Ride-or-Die limo, insta-cart, medicine man, handyman, accountant assistant, sounding board, restorer of sanity, voice of reason, cheer-er upper, all-around walking sunshine. And as if that wasn’t more than any mother or grandmother could ever ask for… a couple of years ago, we received another gift from Francesco: as Mom affectionately called her “his tail”, Francesca!

And so, my God graciously turned my focus from a “slight” of love, maybe? … to a bounty of wealth freely given from heart to heart.

Mom, you left here free. And when God says we are free, we are free indeed.